The Friend You Don’t Need at Your Birth: Why doulas aren't "friends"

You don’t need to hire a friend for your birth. You probably already have wonderful friends : women who love you, who’ll bring soup, hold your baby, send you memes, and tell you that you’re doing great. They might even be the friends who help you off the toilet, pull up your pants and tell you that everything looks normal.

What you might not have is someone who will be real with you during this most transformative, vulnerable and powerful time. Someone who will look you in the eye and ask the questions that no one else dares to ask. Someone who won’t tell you what you want to hear, but what you need to hear.

Because birth is not a performance. It’s not a curated moment for soft lighting and affirmations (though those can be lovely). And there is a good chance that you wont be on your best behavior and that can make even your bestest friends a little uncomfortable.

The Mirror Work of Birth

When I sit with women, I ask the hard questions:

🌙 Are you nourishing your body truly? Not just eating "clean", but eating enough?

🌙 Are you tending to your nervous system? Are you finding calm and self regulation?

🌙 Are you preparing for birth with more than just a playlist and a birth plan?

🌙 How do you think that fear, that viewpoint, that pattern will show up in your birth?

Accountability isn’t about pressure or judgment. It’s about reminding you of the power you already hold and holding you to it. It’s love that runs deeper than comfort. It says:

“You are capable, and I refuse to let you forget it.”

Because yes, doulas hold space. Yes, we offer comfort and reassurance. But the kind of support I believe in also brings something else. It brings a mirror.

A mirror that reflects back your strength, your readiness, and sometimes, your resistance. It’s not always easy to look into, but it’s where the real preparation begins.

Support vs. Soothing

There’s a difference between being supported and being soothed. One helps you grow; the other helps you stay comfortable and when you’re standing in that space between worlds , between who you were and who you’re becoming, you need someone who can hold the tension of both truth and tenderness.

That’s what real doula work is. Not just hand-holding. Not just space-holding. But soul-holding.

A Question for You

So I’ll ask you what I ask every woman I serve: Do you want to be comforted or do you want to be transformed?

Because birth will transform you either way. My role is to help you meet it with your eyes open.

What do you think should doulas tell women the hard truths, or simply offer support?